Sunday, May 23, 2010
Aki Da Japanese Seafood House - Orgasm in Roll Form on Queen St. E. and Woodbine Ave
If you've never been to Queen St. E, you're missing out. The area known as the Beaches is a wonderful area of Toronto. Yes, there is an actual beach. No, you can't swim in it. Let's not get carried away, Lake Ontario is still a noxious cesspool. In fact, the only negative thing I have to say about this neighborhood has already been said (see the article on the GOOF).
In the Beaches, everyone has a dog and nothing bad ever happens.
Seriously.
No its not Fantasyland, its the Beaches and its awesome. Now I posit the theory that the REASON nothing bad ever happens here is because the sushi is supplied by this place. Aki Da. Yes, it IS that good.
If you're up for some entertainment, go for the teppanyaki. For the uninitiated, teppanyaki is an Asian tradition where the chef grills the food in front of you. There is usually a fire show involved, and the chef will tell jokes and perform various stunts.
If you get an inexpensive teppanyaki, the chef's talent will reflect it. Go big or go home and get the owner out. He's much funnier and does bigger stunts.
Now as for the sushi itself, I recommend the spicy salmon roll and the CN Tower roll. They're delightful.
extra points: order a bubble tea with a shot of liquor in it. its delicious. no it's not really on their menu. but its still awesome.
Final Score:
Go here its awesome. They get my highest honor for Japanese food, the sushi served on the body of a beautiful woman.
Which is also about the only way this place could improve.
I'm to lazy for this photoshop. so just imagine it this time.
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Friday, May 21, 2010
Smokin' Bones Southern Comfort Food - Dundas and Church
These guys opened just a few short weeks ago. The food is friggin delicious. I went there the day after they opened.
however the real reason I'm reviewing them is this imagery that popped into my head from the restaurant name:
That's right, I'm a sick evil fuck. but smoking bone is just a step away from smoking pole, and from there, sucking pole and from there.... Look. Oral sex is awesome and if you can't deal with that. get out of my house. Yes i realize you're not in my house and no I'm not using outdated African American terminology. Just stop reading you uptight piece of crap.
Quit judging me just because I like having my cock sucked.
*sits in a corner staring at you with my arms folded*
Right then. The food.
Andouille sausage sandwich is awesome. pulled chicken, pulled pork, mashed potatoes. It's all fantastic. Try the fried chicken.
Here's my complaints:
Service is SLOOOOOOW. super slow. the chicken is made fresh, so the fried chicken takes like 20 minutes.
Call before you leave to try the place out and the food comes up fast. but this is NOT fast food. Its southern comfort food and it takes time and love to make.
Also, it seems like every time I'm in there, they're out of stuff. Like dumb stuff too. Like salad.
How the hell do you run out of salad?
And this is in the MIDDLE of the DAY, not towards the end of the night.
They need to figure out how to order their ingredients.
Overall, this is an awesome place. The food is awesome, the staff is quaint and the decor is sparse.
Also they all have charming accents.
eight penises out of ten.
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Thursday, May 6, 2010
The GOOF AKA Garden gate "good food" - 2379 Queen St. E
The hour is late. The place is empty. It's decorated like some sort of Havana diner. but they serve "Chinese" food. By Chinese food I mean Asian-themed white people food. Standard fare. Ginger beef, sliced pork, egg roll, chow mein, won ton soup.
It takes forever to get service, the food is cold; the food is NOT delicious.
Now don't get me wrong, I love crappy Asian-themed white people food. Ask anyone I love MSG. Pour it on, tastier than salt. Gimme gimme. In the University food court near my dorm back in Alberta, there was a "Chinese" food place that had so much MSG in some dishes that YOU. GOT. HIGH. 7000 students would stumble away from there every day a little bit changed; then we would learn about Neitzche and conservative economics and god and all the other fake things that Albertans believe in.
The food at The Goof (so named as an abbreviation of the "GOOD FOOD" label on the neon sign) is still frozen when it arrives on your plate. In my girlfriend's words "I would rather throw up than have that inside of me. When BURNT ONIONS are the only thing saving your dish, you have a problem".
It's terrible. Don't listen to your friends. it's bad. No, i don't care that they've been a landmark on the beaches since 1952. Maybe the food used to be good. but now it tastes like freezerburn and other stuff that makes me want to end this article.
Don't bother with the Goof.
It gets my lowest honour The Manwich CN TOWER. I built it myself. True story. Tallest freestanding structure built out of Manwich in the world.
...though Manwich may actually taste BETTER than food from the goof.
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Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Allen's Air Conditioned Restaurant - 143 Danforth Ave. Toronto
Okay folks, let's get one thing straight.
Allen does not own this restaurant.
Allen has never had a damn thing to do with this restaurant.
Allen is the name of the owner's mentor. The front page of the menu has a nice long paragraph where the owner puts his tongue firmly up Allen's ass.
The interior is all hardwood. The place looks like Cheers if Cheers were in Toronto and not Chicago, and if the waiters and bartenders dressed nice instead of like bums. and the patrons were wealthier. The place looks nothing like Cheers.
The waiters all have nice shirts and long aprons, and the tables all have checkered tablecloths. This place is like a CARTOON of a restaurant. Or like we're all cavemen chained to a wall imagining the idea of a restaurant. In Greece. In Plato's mind.
Fortunately, the food tastes nothing like Allen's ass, or if it does, then I want to meet this Allen fellow. Maybe try out his ass. At this moment, my girlfriend is shaking her head and rolling her eyes, pretending she doesn't want a piece of Allen's ass.
But that is neither here nor there. The food!
...is to die for. Get in this place and chow down. The wings are amazing, so is pretty much everything else. but the real crowning achievement of -some guy who most definitely is not Allen-'s Restaurant is not even on the menu proper.
On the second or third page of the menu you will see a note. in italics like they were trying to hide it.
The note drones on something along the lines of "we also serve what many consider to be Toronto's finest hamburger". Be a champ, when you order it, tell them that you "will have what many consider to be Toronto's finest hamburger". I'm sure it annoys all the servers because they must hear it forty times a day. Which makes it even more awesome.
Don't be startled when they ask "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR BURGER?". It's safe. They grind the meat in house. It's allowed. So chow down on that blood drenched, rare burger unleash your inner caveman (or woman). It's nine kinds of awesome. I Grew up in Alberta, beef country. and its been more than a decade since I could have a rare burger except off my own grill. Heavenly.
This place is awesome; make it your regular haunt (why yes, that IS a semicolon used properly). The service is exceptional, and as long as you hand over the loot, they will cram your gullet so full of great food you will be unable to move.
Oh yeah, and it has air conditioning.
This restaurant gets my highest honor, The Prosciutto Bikini. Modeled today by a terrible photo of Scarlett Johansen.
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Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Welcome!
Welcome one, welcome all to FOODMONGER 2000!
Toronto's best source for scathing restaurant reviews, potty humour and experimental recipes in existence. I, your humble monger will guide you through the topsy-turvy world of Toronto cuisine. From The Finest Asian Dishes to the rattiest fast food joints, your tongue will not fear to tread the mean streets of Toronto, York and (shudder) Etobicoke.
If you would like your restaurant reviewed, or have one you would like me to review and/or make fun of, put it in the comments and I will get to it, in time.
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